What the heck happened in 2016 ?

So first and foremost, I think those reading this, which more than likely is friends and family, deserve a wholesome apology:

I APOLOGIZE FOR FAILING TO REACH YOUR EXPECTATION.

I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT MAKING THE 2016 OLYMPICS, NOT GRADUATING "ON TIME" AND NOT BEING THE WOMAN YOU'VE EXPECTED ME TO BE BY NOW.

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE ELONGATED WAIT OF THE GLOW UP, BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU I AM GROWING THROUGH IT.

I apologize because I personally understand how disheartening it can be to not have reality reach your expectations. I absolutely hate when that happens and honestly do not look forward to it happening often. There is no reason that describes why I allowed these things to occur besides this reasoning alone:

Failure to stay on course will quickly leave you lost. Failing to see your challenge through results in a loss.

To fill you in; heres what happened the year I proclaimed to be my Olympic year:

So here's the juice :

December of 2015, I was removed from the Coastal Carolina University track and field program.

Due to academic and athletic "run ins", I learned quickly that my foot was best on the track, not in my mouth.

In essence these issues arose from the lack of staying in my own lane. Instead of focusing on what Jessica had to do and where she had to go, Jessica chose to focus on the outer world, unrelated to her goals.

After an emotion-filled team meeting, I was given my release forms and forced to find a new school to attend, move to and run track with, in less than 20 days. Graciously enough my athletic and academic performance up until that point allowed me to receive another full athletic scholarship to Western Kentucky University.

Great right? Yep, well kinda.

A highly competitive track program with a promising post-collegiate network, it was my only option. One I am forever grateful for. Special thanks to Coach Johnson, my love and appreciation will always be with his family. A man filled with passion who passed way too early. God must have thought he would be better suited watching over us.

I moved to Bowling Green, Kentucky and literally only went to class, then to practice, and back home.

Considering the embarrassment, increasing depression and chain smoking I was alive.

I turned to smoking weed EVERY DAY in order to cope with the feelings of rejection from my old coach, the disappointment of my teammates, family and friends and increasing depression I was trying so hard to ignore. I, once a die hard Chanticleer was now a Western whatever-the-mascot. Smoking helped me cope for awhile. Well, it helped me forget to cope.

But now that I think about it, I wasn't trying to cope with it, I was trying to not think about it and pretend that my bad habit was alright.

Although one could argue and state that having a full athletic scholarship to a university and still on track to graduate that year isn't that bad. That may be true, but to me, it didn't fit the reality I had projected for myself. Smoking and running were obviously like mixing hot grease with water.

Come January 2016, I was honored to receive funding from Haiti's Olympic Committee.

They were sending me close to a grand a month. That money went to groceries, bills, savings and weed. At this time I was still training extremely hard, sometimes twice a day with hopes of being a 2016 Olympian.

My expectations and reality were completely off balance. Looking back now, I ask myself how could I expect to run alongside the best athletes in the world, with a half-ass commitment to my craft?

At the time, I ignored this fact along with the fact that I was becoming increasingly depressed, masking my home, school, and social media with febreeze, pretending that everything was alright, but in reality I was internally falling apart.

Half way through the semester running became pointless to me. I felt as though I had no wind beneath my wings. I felt as though I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Truly misplaced. Instead of continuing to strive for greatness I wallowed in the depths of my sad piss poor outcomes of my own decisions.

Towards the end of April, I completely dropped out of school.

I would wake up, smoke, go to practice, eat, smoke, smoke again, then fall asleep high. I was

never not high.

Aramis and I saw each other a few times. A few 7 hour drives were made in the name of love.

Those were definitely among the best moments while I was there. Before I moved out, my seester woke up at the crack of dawn to ride out to Atlanta from NY. Met up with my in the city, got some Chik-fil-a then hopped in the whip and rode out to Kentucky with the kid.

Hopped out the car, chilled for 2.5 then packed the vehicle, then got right back in the packed vehicle, rolled back to Atlanta. Within 14 hours she was back in NY, coolin. Thats a rider.

🐐💯💪🏾

I'll never forget that drive from Bowling Green Kentucky to Atlanta, GA. Just me and my little seester in a 97' Lexus filled with my stuff, cruising.

Oh and that one night me and a couple of my teammates rode out to Nashville and bar hopped karaoke bars. Priceless nights.

Bro, I was smoking so much I caught bronchitis. Even though I couldn't breath through my nose and my throat was closed, I still had a blunt to my mouth daily through that illness of torture. May came and went, my last collegiate track meet came and went. It was all a high smoky blur. Aramis then offered for me to stay with him for summer and to continue to train for the Olympics. In his mind, along with my family's and friends' mind, Jessica Gelibert is going to the Olympics. Even with all the support they provided, my heart had dropped out of the race the moment I received my release forms from CCU.

I didn't know how to tell anyone so I didn't. I held onto to hope of my family and friends. Aramis and I moved in together in May, where he was the most perfect gentlemen who provided a space for me to train, eat, rest and prepare for my Olympic debut. He even offered for me to go and train with Coach Vaught in Virginia, all expenses paid, but I chose not to because I knew I physically was in no shape to go from running high 58s to a 56.2 to make the olympic standard. Although my personal best currently stands as 56.87, in my mind, I was no where near that athletic ability at the time.

June and July I stopped smoking and did minimal training. Aramis was just hired as the Offensive Coordinator at Swansee High School, which granted me access to a track with gym facilities. I was and always will be forever grateful to him and his staff for welcoming me to train with the young men. Running workouts with them was motivating for me put also them in ways we both gained greatly from.

By mid July, I felt hope begin to creep back into my life. Aramis and I also invested in a photo booth company where I used the last $500 to my name as a down payment. Things were looking up. In my mind I constantly said : "who needs college?". Pshh, now I can see why.

Around August, I was then added to a Haitian Olympic Committee promotional video which glorified the Haitian Olympic roster. I was on it ! I was tagged in it. My name was there and so was my picture! I was ecstatic. Mama we made it ! I shared the video, which i'm almost positive is still on my Facebook page. To everyone, I had made the team. I was unsure how, maybe as a backup, alternate, by the grace of Godly prayer, bribery, favoritism? But it sure wasn't by time! I didn't question it. I began to get my groove back. I had a reason to run again! I emailed the president of the confederation regarding my ticket, lodging, etc. Aramis even began to prepare for his trip to Rio de Janeiro. A short 3 days later I was sent the email stating the exact opposite.

My heart was crushed completely. I felt as though I had hit every hurdle in a 400 meter race, twice. I felt as though I ran all legs of a 4x800. I felt as though my lactic acid had a charlie horse, all in the frontal heart chest area. The phone call to my mother was the hardest. I felt a piece of her diminish as well. Mid August, I was degree-less, Olympic-less, money-less, insecure and extremely sensitive Jessica.

Overwhelmed along with disappointed, Aramis suggested I move out and head back to Myrtle Beach to begin working. He got my foot in the door selling timeshares with Holiday Inn Club vacations. I was there for 2 weeks then on the last day of training was immediately fired for lateness. After telling Aramis this, he broke up with me. He had enough of me and my shitty pan out of a life to that point.

I then began to work at The Fudgery where I sang songs, ate ice cream and sold fudge by the pounds. A better way to deal with the constant feelings of unworthiness, deep sadness and feelings of regret. But internally I was dying. I resorted back to smoking weed and pretending like my dreams, hopes and aspirations came to a crashing burn.

I enrolled in school the following spring. That semester I had incurred $25,000 of debt from courses of a school that was barely even attempted. The only positive that came from that was my credit score jumped up 25 or so points. Yet I was still broke, unhappy, goal-less and shameful. While taking courses at Coastal, I was introduced to the jumps coach at the time. I trained with him for a short while. He mentioned time and time again that my drive was missing, and my seriousness of the sport was not apparent. "Jess you have to take this serious if you gon' be running with them girls." Training alongside Coach Briggs, didn't last long. Writing, listening to music, smoking and painting became my escaping coping mechanism. He then transferred to a different school, so I stopped training, solely focusing on school. In April of 2017, I sort of had my shit together.

I was working, sort of working out, and flourishing as a person. Being alone showed me how being bae to yourself is actually really healthy and enlightening. I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror. A lot of time, building this blog, shyly working on Countryside Photo Booth while planning for my future. By May of 2017, my life was in balance for the most part.

During this month I had a difficult time finding a job, nevertheless I was blessed enough to have a roof over my head, a vehicle to get to work and a enough money to fill a blunt. I juggled a couple of jobs including The House of Blues, RipTydz, SunglassHut, and finally becoming employed by a local painter. I started painting residential homes and indoor property.

I was able to navigate through the homes, paintbrush in hand unable to be stopped. Although there were some drips and minor messes in the the beginning, I learned the best methods quickly. I adore painting. I was able to to go into work at the top of the morning and paint the homes in which I was hired to do so. I was unsure as to why more people weren't painting. As real estate investing becomes more prominent, the painting business has definitely escalated. This field is definitely a great one to be apart of.

In the spaces of which they decided to have their homes painted, I plugged my ear buds in and continued paint. Regardless of the home or space, I ensured to paint each stroke with the best picture in mind. Painting actually became extremely therapeutic for me. I was satisfied with the way in which I was able to walk into a room, fix the minor details, then prepare my settings for the best paint job ever. I would begin by taping down the frog tape so that I would refrain from getting paint on the baseboards. I would then run the 5-in-1along the wall, and tuck the paint under the baseboards so the carpet or flooring would remain in pristine condition with as little cleanups as possible. I move forward, lay down my tarp then grab my paint bucket with roller submerged in the paint can. By removing the excess paint on the roller with three strokes downward, I would rest the roller on the side of the bucket then eyeball the starting place on the wall; in my mind, my canvas.

Painting with Brad is great. He taught me almost everything I know about painting. And I still say great because I am currently doing so. I actually just completed a paint job. I will ensure to attach pictures here:

Anyway, the summer of 2017 passed and as December approached I told myself that I am a mogul and must act no different from that. I stopped smoking, started working out more and became serious about painting. During the summer of 2017, I met Rashawn, aka WAVEYFLi. Rashawn was a handful but his presence definitely brought me into the light. He was fun to be around, always listening, rapping or creating music, and of course smoking. We used to smoke and ride out to wherever we wanted to. We hit our small licks and plotted on how we would make our stamps on the world. He was truly a free soul.

After a short time together, he crashed my car, and I was forced to move out due to my rent being extremely late. That same month, I received a financial aid check which was supposed to pay for my rent but then became my car down payment after being kicked out. By the time Black Friday rolled around, I was in a 2017 Honda Civic.

Blessed to have received another chance at life. Brad had become my confidant, my rider and my protector. He was there to give me money, shower me with love and the only person I felt I had in my corner. I could have reached out to family and friends but I felt as though I had already destroyed their idea of me, and I wanted to avoid incurring any additional damage. To avoid disappointing anyone of my family members, I decided to go to Brad for help. He would be my knight in shining amour. He filled that position for a short awhile. By the end of 2017, I was registered for CCU classes, officially being reviewed as senior with graduation a few short months away.

Prayer, motivation, and the force of all my ancestors and things holy, I passed my classes and would graduate in May so as long that I passed all of my Spring 2018 courses.

Eager and mentally prepared to start courses in 2018, it would have not been meaningful if I had not laid to rest the demons I once held onto. Now holding the knowledge, drive, passion and commitment to finish, 2018 was not a new me, but a better version of me. I am currently enrolled in 9 collegiate courses. After March, it will be 10 collegiate courses. Thankfully most of them are online work so I have the opportunity to manage the work at my own pace, I still have a job, internship and Jessica to control as well.

As I type before you, I hope that every key I press transfer the energy back into my studies, testing and homework assignments. I hope my prayers go to the highest. I pray that this semester open new doors and chapter for myself. I pray that the classes do not defeat me. I pray that the disdain that may be done to me in turn allows me to create a much better version of myself. I pray that nothing stops me from completing coursework. I pray that I only attract like-minded individuals who teach me new perspectives of looking at problems. I pray that my presence liberates others into transferring their energy into positivity and good things. I pray that I obtain my Bachelors' degree in Communication and Business Administration so that i may use the concepts I've learned in this class to abstain from failing in the business world. I pray that CCU is used as vessel to transport their students to a higher level of thinking, behaving so that they may teach others that diversity is the key to prosperity. I pray that the long nights I may have be the foundation for the future weeks of ease to come. I pray that my brain works for the favor of my highest being. I pray that all my prayers make it to the God, I am meant to pray to. I pray that my blessings fall into my lap when I am ready to receive them with open arms. I pray that I am always ready to receive my blessings. I pray that fear, worry, neglect, sorrow and feelings of unworthiness escape my mind, heart, being, soul and surroundings. I pray that my family worship the matters of which make us wholesome. I pray that I learn the knowledge school does not teach. I pray that I acquire the trust of self. I pray that I trust in my abilities, skills, and inner voice. I pray that inner voice speaks no matter whom or what conflict I may be confronted with. I pray that I find my flow and pace even if there is a distorted one around me. I pray the health of my family and friends improves as they make better lifestyle decisions each day. I pray that I am lead by the light I was born into this world with. I pray that when people speak to me they see my heart and understand my intentions. I pray that the tension in the room be followed by conflict resolution. I pray that the impulses to do the wrong thing is immediately followed by signal to do the right thing. I pray that the promises I give, are kept. I pray that the evil that lurks in the world finds a hold and stays in it, unbothered for the rest of eternity. I pray that the decisions I make are rooted in the beneficence of myself, current and future family. I pray that the secrets of my ancient ancestors are discovered by the diligent students of their descendants. I pray that the only voice that I listen to is the one that speaks the most right tunes. I pray that music returns to being as good as it was in the early 90s. I pray that I may be a shining role model for those who need an external superhero. I pray that every time I speak, I am used as a vessel to communicate the truth. I pray that others live in their truth and combat their demons so we may live in the grace of light. I pray I learn how to cook better. I pray that in times of stress I am able to recover faster than I complain. I pray that my words are read as aids and guidance for those like me. I pray that my Haitian ancestors look to me with pride, as I complete tasks that were intentionally made to be difficult for me. I pray that the words I use are rooted in the epistemology of growth and prosperity for all things good for all. I pray that my prayers be a reminder of the things I see to improve. I pray that I am stronger than my sorries. I pray that I acknowledge those who love me. I pray that I am accepting of growth. I pray that I am accepting of the love that is meant for me. I pray that my husband is praying for me. I pray that my soul mate is my husband in this lifetime. I pray that I learn quickly so that my brain can trap the knowledge. I pray that I have a loving family of my own. I pray that I make my parents proud in all areas of my life. I pray that my prayers are heard and acknowledged. I pray that I always have more than enough of the good things and not enough of the bad. I pray that I am as successful as the ideas of me are. I pray that I can begin a career custom-made for and by me. I pray that my patent is secure to license out to others and flourish as I see it happening in my mind. I pray that I am able to defend myself. I pray that I subconsciously am able to see through bullshit and face real conflict head on. I pray that my enemies fade into away. I pray that my truth is always secured. I pray that I accomplish and attain each and every one of my goals. I pray that I inspire someone to do at least one random act of kindness a day. I pray the sun continue to shine on us. I pray that negativity is scattered away from my path, my family and friend's paths and the paths of those with likewise goals. I pray that the highest being I know is fearless in pursuit of their journey. I pray that I know my purpose and meaning of life. I pray that love, light and positivity illuminate the darkness and gloom. I pray that I never stop praying. I pray that love becomes the world's favorite drug. I pray the world works in harmony to ensure the spread of love, light and positivity. I pray that humans become more aware of the negative aspects of their existence and use teamwork to fix such issues. I pray that the world tackles problems one by one. I pray that prayer is stronger than parting ways. I pray that I use prayer before any other extreme means. I pray that the people trapped by society's standards are freed by the boundaries of their own minds. I pray that the animals and captives held are free to roam the world as they were intended to. I pray that no evil may be created, and all evil may be destroyed from an atomic scale.

If you read all of this, thank you. I pray that your prayers be sent to the being they are meant to be with.

I can openly say that I have been struggling with this for awhile. This actually my first time writing about it. Which in my case, is a big deal because I love to write and will write right through what I'm going through. So now, almost 2 years later, I am confronting these inner demons with grace.

Especially now that my friends and teammates have graduated and moved on with their careers, I once looked to them with envy and comparison. I was constantly down and unhappy with my position in life. Now I look to the future and smile.