Wait, who am I again?

Nov 28, 2021

4 min read

You ever have to remind yourself who you are?

Today I realized that for the first time in 26 years, I made the decision to do and be and go wherever I may please. For the first time since the womb, I realized I have been given free will and granted the authority…no chose to use my time how I wish.

Literally, since my earliest memory I’ve been told where to be, what time to be there, what to do when I arrived and all things alike. Maybe by design, or because I am too precious for risk, I’ve always been given a schedule, or a rubric to follow. From elementary school through high school and even college was a series of calculated places and times and activities.

Maybe that’s what makes graduation so fulfilling. At that very moment, I granted myself, we granted ourselves the space to be who we want, go where we want and do what we want.

Wait, what was that again?

Technically speaking, if my life were to be a series of pre-calculated scheduling, do I even possess the qualities to be independent ? Am I able to make decisions solely based on thine own true ideas and think freely? Has this pre-calculated scheduling been a means to protect me or disable me?

I had an epiphany earlier and my mind circled back to my college years, which granted was only 2 years ago. Nevertheless, my freshman year, I took a philosophy course which opened with the topic of thought, and how thought guides the individual’s actions and beliefs. Of course each of us holds an opinion on a series of topics and ideas, however the individual is also capable to hosting thoughts. These thoughts are manifested, triggered and aroused by the internal workings of our inner most desires and wants. Our desires and wants guides us to the thoughts, which in essence allows us to hold opinions. I sat in that classroom and for the first time learned of a viewpoint. A viewpoint is defined as a persons’ opinion or point of view. A viewpoint is solidified by the thoughts we hold as our own. Then again, a viewpoint is technically only and always will be a theory. The most interesting viewpoint or theory we discussed was that of a utilitarian. This theory of utilitarianism is defined as the doctrine that actions are right if they benefit the majority.

Hmmm, how does this connect to my original questions though?

Well, in order to know if one “possess the qualities to be independent,” is solely reliant on the ideas or thoughts that that individual deems to be “independent.” So as long as I, am able to define what I am interested in being, then accessing whether I not I hold those qualities to be such will be a simple equation to assessment. While also keeping in mind that everything is on a spectrum. For example, we could ask a homeless man and a billionaire what their definition of “independent” is. It’s for certain that we’d receive two completely different answers. Both answers would be viable to the individual who holds the thought.

So I guess that means that I must first define what independent means before I can answer whether or not I have the qualities to be such.

In my opinion, Apple describes “independent” best.

Independant - in·de·pend·ent /ˌindəˈpendənt/ : adjective to be free of outside control. not depending on another’s authority.

Personally, I’d define independence as being a self sufficient entity.

I’d like to say that i’ve always been self sufficient, but that hasn’t always been true. My actions and ideas have been guided by my parents’ raising, yet the older I’ve become I’ve naturally tailored my actions and beliefs to be centered around the ideology of “how would I act if my parents were watching me right now?” This framework has allowed me to make decisions based on the authority that my parents were granted since Day 1.

Now, as an adult, and a small business owner, I know that all of my decisions are guided by independence. Qualities such as discipline, self-respect and dedication warrant my thoughts and drive action.

Yes we are all capable of making decisions based solely on free will and independent thought, however our actions ultimately dictate our truest beliefs. We can rave all day about our favorite smoothie, but the smoothie we put time and effort into purchasing tells us what we need to know. Thinking freely, to me, means to decipher between habit and culture to delve into one’s own self. Observing our thoughts as they sprout from our minds.

Well how am I supposed to know thine own self if all I’ve ever done, up until this point was listen to what I was told to do, to be, to think, to feel, to go, etc?

Hence, this is where I am currently stationed.

Right between who I was & who am I.

It’s liberating to have come to that realization.

To answer my final question, the means of scheduling my whole life has most definitely been a means to protect me.

Protect me from the world and protect the world from me. The world is HUGE! Far vast past our most wildest imagination.

The framework that our parents, teachers, coaches, professors, counselors, employers and friends provide is a means that has given us the chance to grow safely, definitely not to disable us. This framework has granted us the means to explore the world in approbate doses. I guess we could liken this with spoon feeding us, but we still have been given the freedom to be whom we are while we learn the ways of the world. Just as the world learns our ways.

This time here right now for me, is a sanctified time of self-discovery with a hint of poking at my shareable delights.

Thank God for that pre-calculated schedule and the independent me’s schedule to come.